tell me i'm over you

Say that I'm changed, say I'm different
Maybe I'll finally understand
Say I'll let go, say it's obvious
Oh, I tell myself over, over and over again

I'm ready, I'm ready
I'm ready to believe


So tell me I'm strong, tell me I'm weak
Tell me I'll never, ever bend
Then tell me I'm fire, tell me I'm cold
Cold oh, I tell myself over, over and over again

I'm ready, I'm ready
I'm ready to believe

And all the world can watch the choices you make
All the world can watch each tiny mistake
Let the world watch to let the world wait for you

So tell me I'm wrong, or tell me I'm cruel
Tell me I'd fight, yeah tell me I fought for the wrong things

But I'm ready, I'm ready
I'm ready to believe
I'm ready, I'm ready
I'm ready to believe

sigh

it hit at the dawn of the eve in which i failed so sleep at all, what i feel towards what i did cannot even begin to be spelt out into words. 

It hit like a big ball of realisation the stupidity with which i acted that night, the things that seemed to come out of my mouth, out of someone that i barely knew. Why would anyone talk about their closest friends like that? Why would anyone talk about people like that in general? I just can't fathom how the brain i once thought so logical would lead towards such actions. Such stupidity, cowardice and down right nastiness. 

Safe to say it was not my shining moment. 

i turned into something else last year, and it took the weight of that one event and talks from close friends to really turn me around, to really look at myself in the mirror and see the creature i had become. i regret to have ever left myself fall like that. but the deepest regret is that i had let the people closest to me feel the full impact. 

i cannot express the sorry i wish to say over and over again, and i wish it never happened but its foolish to think that way. All i guess i can say is i apologise deeply infinity times over and hope you all understand. 

if i was to go back in time right now, that would be the one thing i would change in the past, nothing else, just that. the tipping point.

The past year for me was dark and even though i didn't realise it at the time, i was falling. What J once talked to me about - i now realise was all true, even though i denied it at the time. 

I hope i never turn back into the fool i once was.

the words left unspoken.

what are we doing?

i don't know

falling in love

do you want to get back together?

i don't know

i can't because it would hurt too much if i couldn't see you everyday 

what do you want then?

i want you to go out and get yourself a girlfriend

i want you to say you don't want anyone else but me