x

at first it started as a joke, but its becoming the crux of everything under the sun.

we have nothing in common

and now im just resenting this friendship.

its been a while - but FUCK YOU.

you're a fucking idiot. FUCK.

FFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKK

end of semester

as the end of semester one 2009 officially draws to a close, marking the firsts of many, in my life

- i feel aloof.

tell me i'm over you

Say that I'm changed, say I'm different
Maybe I'll finally understand
Say I'll let go, say it's obvious
Oh, I tell myself over, over and over again

I'm ready, I'm ready
I'm ready to believe


So tell me I'm strong, tell me I'm weak
Tell me I'll never, ever bend
Then tell me I'm fire, tell me I'm cold
Cold oh, I tell myself over, over and over again

I'm ready, I'm ready
I'm ready to believe

And all the world can watch the choices you make
All the world can watch each tiny mistake
Let the world watch to let the world wait for you

So tell me I'm wrong, or tell me I'm cruel
Tell me I'd fight, yeah tell me I fought for the wrong things

But I'm ready, I'm ready
I'm ready to believe
I'm ready, I'm ready
I'm ready to believe

sigh

it hit at the dawn of the eve in which i failed so sleep at all, what i feel towards what i did cannot even begin to be spelt out into words. 

It hit like a big ball of realisation the stupidity with which i acted that night, the things that seemed to come out of my mouth, out of someone that i barely knew. Why would anyone talk about their closest friends like that? Why would anyone talk about people like that in general? I just can't fathom how the brain i once thought so logical would lead towards such actions. Such stupidity, cowardice and down right nastiness. 

Safe to say it was not my shining moment. 

i turned into something else last year, and it took the weight of that one event and talks from close friends to really turn me around, to really look at myself in the mirror and see the creature i had become. i regret to have ever left myself fall like that. but the deepest regret is that i had let the people closest to me feel the full impact. 

i cannot express the sorry i wish to say over and over again, and i wish it never happened but its foolish to think that way. All i guess i can say is i apologise deeply infinity times over and hope you all understand. 

if i was to go back in time right now, that would be the one thing i would change in the past, nothing else, just that. the tipping point.

The past year for me was dark and even though i didn't realise it at the time, i was falling. What J once talked to me about - i now realise was all true, even though i denied it at the time. 

I hope i never turn back into the fool i once was.

the words left unspoken.

what are we doing?

i don't know

falling in love

do you want to get back together?

i don't know

i can't because it would hurt too much if i couldn't see you everyday 

what do you want then?

i want you to go out and get yourself a girlfriend

i want you to say you don't want anyone else but me

Dreaming of revelry

what a night for a dance, you know im a dancing machine
with the fire in my bones
and the sweet taste of kerosene
i get lost in the night so high dont wana come down
to face the loss of the good thing that i have found
woo hoo hoooo
woo hoo hoooo
in the dark of the night i hear you callin my name
with the hardest of hearts, i still feel full of pain
so i drink and i smoke and i ask you if your ever around even though it was me who drove us right into the ground
see the time we shared it was precious to me
but all the while i was dreamin of revelry
gonna run baby run like a stream down a mountainside
with the wind in my back i wont ever even bat an eye
just know it was you all along that had a hold of my heart
but the demon in me was a best friend from the start
so the time we shared it was precious to me[Revelry Lyrics On http://www.elyricsworld.com/ ]
all the while i was dreamin of revelry
dreamin of revelry
and i told myself oh the way you go it rained so hard it felt like snow
everything came tumbling down on me
in the back of the woods it was dark as night
palest pale of the old moonlight
everythings felt so incomplete
dreamin of revelry
dreamin of revelry
dreamin of revelry
dreamin of revelry

i like pie

i'm sick of

all the miscommunication

all the spontaneity

all the exclusiveness

all the stubbornness

all the immaturity

all the hate.

goodbye

new beginning.

melb. free moneys. independence. archi.

i got everything i could ever wish for,

but why does it feel like im making the wrong choice leaving auckland?

damnit.

now that i have the chance to, 

i just cant seem to let go..